It's been a rather long time since I posted, again, and this blog is starting to weed. Yeah, but there isn't any interesting events that happened this week. Either that, or I'm too lazy to remember.

Which reminds me, Laziness is starting to settle in.

READER'S WARNING: This will be one of those oh-its-the-end-of-the-world-for-me kind of post, except that it won't be too depressing.



Crap, Life. Obviously, it can be full of ups and downs at certain points, but nevertheless, we still have to live it all. I still remember the times in Primary School when I was without a care in the world, and I was, THE One. I could make decisions for myself quickly and decisively, and not regret it in the end. Perhaps it was due to gain in confidence, as I tirelessly worked my way up the academic and social ladder in my school. This attitude of mine was engraved into me, all the way till Primary 6, when of course, there was the dreaded PSLE. Fortunately for me, I did pretty much well.

Secondary School. The drastic turning point. From a confident little girl, I slowly progressed to being a normal, low-lying adolescent. This was the period where our senses sharpen, where we start to notice things. What people think about you and your gestures or actions; Academic Competition among Peers; Peer Pressure. For me, the last opinion certainly had a great impact on my overall upgrowing. The desire to be accepted was expressed through tears shed in the middle of the night; My cowardice was shown through my ever-obliging attitude, despite of the disadvantages that I may suffer. My thirst for acceptance made me grow numb, moulded me into a puppet to the society. I was there for manipulation, and what was worse, I accepted that barbaric horrible fact.

I was a torn child

Now. It's a new beginning again. Junior College, Integrated Programme. As IP students, we are expected to have self-motivation, strive to score and be the country's future leaders. But why, why is my heart so willing, but flesh so weak? I know what to do, but yet fear and procastinate, to the very end. There is always this haunting notion that I may fail in the process of changing, that's why I would rather stay stagnant as always. But by doing that, am I improving? No, I'll just stay the normal plain little child that I am. I'll just be overshadowed and overpowered, pushed around, by those who have greater determination and aspiration than I do. And while they continue to climb up Life's ladder, all I can do is cower in fear of falling. My mind has created illusions in my perception of the world. To me, every step is hot charcoal; carcasses are strewn all over the floor; and the light high above is blinding.

but yet, I always miss out those who are still struggling to work their way up.


Yes, the human mind does work wonders. It can bring you to the heights of success and bathe in its everlasting glory; or send you plummeting through the sea of failure, forever sunken in guilt and regret.