Zzzz...

Am I really fit for this post?
Since the class chose me, I should at least perform up to their expectations right?
I always believed that I could.

But its inevitable for negative thoughts to shadow me...

Being a leader, its obvious that I should lead the class, be a role model, someone dependable. But yet I cant. Asking the class to listen to me is difficult, standing in front of the class to present my ideas is worse; And now I have to do both at once! Zzz..

Its not that bad actually. But its just that, I havent even got my focus ready at all. We havent even confirmed what kind of skit we want. And I expect everything to go on smoothly during the discussion today.

Secondly, Im not even firm enough. I prefer submitting than dominating; thats the kind of person I am! Yeah, and that appeals as weak and humji to people. I dont like ordering people around. I rather let someone do a job that he/she likes. That way, I know that he/she will do a good job. I feel that its way better than doing things against his/her own freewill.

But I know in reality, thats impossible. In the end, there are bound to be unspoken disagreements here and there. There is no such thing as peace in a democratic society.

Sometimes, I really feel that dictatorship reigns. Things get done fast and its more efficient that way. But I'm not cut out for the dictating role. Neither am I cut out to be a leader.

I feel that I disappointed Xiuhui today. Its true, I didnt really do a good job at leading the class. Xiuhui is a great CT rep, but seeing her disappointed demoralises me even more.

Im sorry to those who have encouraged me, to those who have stood up for me, to those who have helped me in one way or another. Thankyou to the script people for producing the script so fast. I will do a good job tomorrow.

I cant cower in fear and run away from reality anymore.
I cant be such a humji.